When They Come Home from School
For many families, the first week of school is behind us.
And while our children have been at school, we've had plenty of time to wonder how they're doing.
So when they finally walk through the door, it's tempting to start asking.
How was your day?
Who did you play with?
Who did you sit with at lunch?
What was math class like?
Were you nervous?
The questions come from love and genuine interest. But our children may experience a stream of questions differently: as checking.
Especially for a child who is already anxious about school, all those questions can unintentionally signal that we've been worried, too.
We don't need information in order to reconnect.
After spending all day navigating expectations, transitions, learning, and other people, many children need some time when nothing is being asked of them.
A warm welcome. Something to eat. Some unstructured time.
This doesn't mean we aren't interested in their day. It means they don't have to tell us about it on our timetable.
Often, once they've had a chance to settle, pieces of the day emerge on their own—while making dinner, driving somewhere, at bedtime, or in some completely unrelated moment.
We can also make room for conversation by sharing a little about our own day.
Children learn how families communicate partly by experiencing how we communicate. If we want children who share, we need to model sharing rather than merely asking for it.
“I had a frustrating conversation at work today.”
“Something really funny happened when I went to get coffee.”
“I was nervous about a meeting this morning, and it actually went better than I expected.”
Sometimes we're frustrated when we ask, “How was your day?” and get “Fine.”
But what happens when our child asks, “How was work?”
How often do we answer, “Fine”?
And sometimes, our sharing gives them an opening:
“That happened to me today too.”
And when they do share, we can listen. That's also when a follow-up question can feel like interest rather than checking.
So this week, when your child comes home, consider starting with a welcome instead of a question.
And later, instead of only asking about their day, share a little about yours.
What might change if coming home felt less like reporting what happened and more like reconnecting with one another?
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