Whose Problem Is It?
Your child's teacher emails you or mentions something at pickup.
Your child didn't turn in an assignment.
They argued with another child on the playground.
They were disruptive during lunch.
What do you do?
For many parents, the answer is almost automatic: talk to the child. Find out what happened. Make sure they understand why it was a problem. Maybe impose a consequence.
After all, we're their parents. Isn't it our job to address it?
Often, it isn't.
Parents today have access to an extraordinary amount of information about what their children are doing when they aren't with us.
We can watch preschoolers on classroom cameras. Schools can send behavior notifications before a child gets home. Online portals let us see a missing assignment or a disappointing grade, sometimes before our child does.
Not very long ago, much of this information simply wasn't available to parents.
My own parents' rule was essentially: Do whatever you want, as long as the school doesn't call us.
I'm certainly not suggesting we return to that particular parenting philosophy.
But I wonder whether all this access has quietly changed how we understand what belongs to us.
If my child doesn't do their homework, whose problem is that?
If two preschoolers argue over the same truck, whose problem is that?
There are certainly times when something happening outside our home does require our involvement: a recurring pattern of behavior, a safety concern, something affecting a child's functioning or well-being, or a teacher asking for genuine partnership because what's happening at school needs support at home.
But information isn't necessarily an invitation to intervene.
Perhaps our child is capable of addressing the issue, or the problem has already come with a perfectly reasonable consequence.
They didn't bring a jacket and were cold at recess. They didn't complete an assignment and had to finish it during free time. They were disruptive during class and had to move to a different seat.
If the consequence is reasonable, keep yourself out of the situation. Something that happened at school and was appropriately handled there doesn't necessarily need rehashing at home.
You also don't need to make sure your child gets the lesson.
"See? This is why I told you."
"Maybe next time you'll listen to me."
It can be remarkably hard not to say it, especially when we did, in fact, tell them this was going to happen.
But the consequence has already delivered the information, and our commentary can shift the child's attention from what happened and what they might do differently next time toward defending themselves from us.
Not every consequence needs a parental postscript.
When we insert ourselves into a problem, we may also take something away from our child: the opportunity to experience a problem, deal with the person involved, live with the consequence, and figure out what to do differently next time.
That is part of developing autonomy.
Research has linked fostering autonomy and competence with children's emotional well-being, while greater parental control and over-involvement have been associated with anxiety and other internalizing difficulties.¹ We don't expect children to handle situations beyond their developmental ability, but we can give them increasing room to manage what they are increasingly capable of managing.
We can still listen. We can validate their frustration. We can help them think through a situation when they ask for help.
But supporting our children is different from taking ownership of their problems.
Knowing more about our children's lives doesn't necessarily mean we should be managing more of their lives.
So before sending the email, confronting the child, checking the portal again, or adding another consequence, ask:
Whose problem is this, and what might happen if I let the people whose problem it is handle it?
¹McLeod, B. D., Wood, J. J., & Weisz, J. R. (2007). Examining the association between parenting and childhood anxiety: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 27(2), 155–172. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2006.09.002
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