When We Get It Wrong
"I yelled because you weren't listening."
"I wouldn't have said that if you hadn't..."
"I was exhausted."
Those things may all be true. But explaining why we behaved a certain way isn't the same as taking responsibility for its impact.
You are going to do things you regret. That is part of parenting (and of any relationship, really). What matters is what you do when you realize you made a mistake - the repair.
Repair might begin with:
"I was really frustrated, but I shouldn't have spoken to you that way."
"I misunderstood what happened. I'm sorry I blamed you."
"That consequence wasn't fair. I've thought about it, and I'm changing it."
There is something powerful about a child seeing an adult acknowledge a mistake without collapsing into shame or defending it away.
It teaches them that getting something wrong doesn't make you a bad person.
That relationships can withstand difficult moments.
That you can take responsibility for your behavior without taking responsibility for everything that happened.
And that repair doesn't end with the words "I'm sorry." Sometimes repair means listening to how the other person experienced what happened. Sometimes it means correcting something. And when appropriate, it means trying to respond differently the next time.
Children learn accountability partly by watching us practice it.
And there is another reason repair matters.
Children don't need relationships in which everything goes smoothly. In fact, no such relationship exists. They need experiences of disconnection followed by reconnection¹.
A rupture says, for a moment, Something between us doesn't feel right.
Repair says, Something went wrong, and our relationship can withstand it.
That may be one of the most reassuring things we can teach our children about relationships.
So here's a question to consider this week:
The next time you realize you've gotten something wrong with your child, what would it look like to take responsibility without explaining it away?
¹ Developmental psychologist Edward Tronick's research on infant-caregiver interaction found that moments of mismatch are a normal part of relationships. Healthy interaction does not depend on continuous attunement; caregivers and infants repeatedly move between connection, mismatch, and repair.
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