Let Them Be Unhappy
One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching your child suffer.
They didn't get invited.
They failed the test.
They lost the game.
They're angry.
They're heartbroken.
Everything in you wants to make the feeling go away.
But there is one thing you can’t do.
You can’t make another person feel happy.
You can listen.
You can stay close.
You can sometimes solve the problem.
But you cannot make a feeling disappear.
Nor should you try.
Children are constantly looking to us to understand whether their feelings are something to fear.
When we become anxious about their sadness, frustration, fear, or disappointment, they learn something we never intended to teach:
This feeling must be dangerous.
But when we remain calm…
when we stay close…
when we acknowledge what they're experiencing without rushing to fix it…
we communicate something very different:
"This is hard. And I trust that you can get through it."
Feelings are like signals¹.
They tell us that something important has happened, or that something needs our attention.
Some feelings also bring energy.
Fear prepares us to protect ourselves.
Sadness invites us to slow down and seek comfort.
Anger gives us energy to push back when something feels unfair or important.
Children don't need us to explain their feelings while they're having them. They need to know they are safe while experiencing them.
When children feel heard and understood, their nervous system recognizes that the message has been received.
That's why validation is so powerful².
It doesn't require long conversations or perfect words.
Sometimes simply saying,
"I see you're upset."
"Argh."
"This sucks."
is enough.
The feeling doesn't always disappear immediately, but it no longer has to fight so hard for our attention.
When they are upset, children don't look for answers. Teenagers, especially, often don't want our suggestions.
They need us not to be afraid of their feelings.
They want to know their feelings are normal and that someone is willing to stay with them while they move through them.
As parents, our calm doesn't erase difficult emotions.
It helps children learn that difficult emotions can be experienced, understood, and survived.
Over time, they begin to borrow our confidence until it becomes their own.
We can't give our children a life without difficult feelings.
We can help them trust that they are capable of moving through them, and that they don’t have to do it alone.
So here's a question to consider this week:
The next time your child is upset, what might change if your first response was simply to acknowledge what they're feeling without trying to make it better?
If anger is one of the emotions your family struggles with most, you may find my free guide, Helping Kids Grow Through Anger, helpful.
¹ Emotions evolved to help us respond to the world around us. Fear prepares us to protect ourselves, sadness often draws us toward comfort and reflection, and anger mobilizes us when something feels unfair or important. Emotions provide information and energy, but they do not dictate our behavior. With support and practice, children gradually learn to recognize these internal signals and choose how to respond.
² Research on emotion socialization suggests that children learn how to understand and regulate emotions partly through the way the important adults in their lives respond to those emotions. John Gottman's concept of emotion coaching emphasizes acknowledging and validating emotions before moving to problem-solving. Feeling understood helps children begin to regulate because their emotional experience has been recognized rather than dismissed.
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