When Your Child’s Feelings Become Yours
There’s an old saying:
“A parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.”
When our children hurt, we hurt. Their disappointment can sit heavily with us. Their anxiety can make us anxious. When someone rejects them, we may feel angry on their behalf.
That’s part of loving them.
But if you can't be okay while your child isn't okay, their feelings can quickly become yours.
When you join them in the feeling, your child may now have two emotional experiences to manage: their own and yours.
And your reaction can also tell them something you didn't intend:
This really is terrible.
Maybe I can't handle this.
Even Mom is upset.
There is another way to communicate that you understand.
You can validate.
“You really wanted to be invited. That hurts.”
“Walking into a new place when you don't know what to expect can feel scary.”
“I can see why you're angry about that.”
Validation says: I see what you're experiencing, and it makes sense to me.
It doesn't mean I agree with your interpretation of what happened. It doesn't mean I approve of what you did. And it doesn't mean I need to make the feeling go away.
Your child can be furious that screen time is over:
“You really didn't want to stop.”
And screen time can still be over.
They can believe their teacher was unfair:
“I would be angry about that too.”
And you don't have to decide that the teacher was wrong.
They can be anxious about going somewhere new:
“It makes sense that you're nervous. You don't know what it's going to be like.”
And they can still go.
Validation allows acceptance and change to exist at the same time.
I can accept that this is how you feel without changing the boundary.
I can understand why you reacted that way without saying the behavior was okay.
I can take your distress seriously without assuming I need to remove whatever is causing it.
And I can care deeply about what you're feeling without making your feelings mine.
This doesn't mean we should be detached from our children. Of course their experiences affect us. Sometimes we will be sad when they're sad or angry when they've been hurt.
We can have our own feelings and still stay steady enough that our children don't have to manage our emotions while managing their own.
Staying connected without becoming overwhelmed ourselves is part of how we help children regulate.¹ Over time, children learn that difficult feelings can be experienced without needing to escape them or make them go away.
Maybe our role isn't to be as happy as our unhappiest child, but to remain steady alongside them when they're unhappy.
If this has you thinking about something differently, or raises a question, I'd love to hear from you.
¹Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2007.00389.x
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