Let’s talk about It
Growing up, I do not remember much conversation in my family. Traditions and values were passed on through practice, religion was taught in school, and love was shown by actions. Needless to say, there was no talk about sexuality, or any other ‘heavy’ subjects. Understandable, comsidering my grandparents on both sides were holocaust survivors who protected their kids by keeping their stories to themselves. Their love language, too, was acts of service and gift-giving. So, it should come as no surprise that sharing my thoughts and emotions verbally was not something that came naturally to me.
And I am not alone. Parents I meet are often shocked, even offended, when their children turn to someone else for help relating to sexuality and relationships. They do not understand why their child, who shares other aspects of their lives, did not feel comfortable coming to them. The thing is, our kids learn not only from what we say but also from what we refrain from talking about. A child who never heard their parents talk about s.e.x, racism, or (fill in the blank) will grow up thinking those topics are taboo. When they have questions, they will ask their peers or research on their own, and when they start exploring their sexuality and figuring out their identity, the parents will be shut out. So you know what to do, right?
Now is a good time
Don't worry, it's not too late. It is also not too early. No matter how old your kids are, you should be talking to them about their body, s.e.x, and relationships.
As soon as you find yourself singing “head, shoulders, knees, and toes”, teach them the proper names of all body parts.
When they start spending time with other kids, teach them to respect boundaries - both their own and others'. This is the basis for consent.
Keep it age-appropriate and stay ahead of their development so they know to expect changes in their bodies and in their friendships.
And if your kids are older and you think you missed your opportunity, think again. Your teen wants to hear from you! It will be awkward, but there are several things we can do to make the initial conversations easier. And like most other things in life, this too will become easier with practice.
Taking the Leap
The best way to address awkwardsness is to acknowledge it. Say something like ‘This is not easy for me and I know it might be uncomfortable for you too, but it is important, so we are going to have this awkward conversation anyway.” Keep the initial approach short and ask your child when might be a good time to talk again.
Many short conversations are better than a big ‘talk.’ What you want is to create a communication channel, rather than to dump information. Regularly brining up topics such as sexuality and relationships will demonstrate that these are important and also normal part of life.
Conversation opportunities in daily lives
Sexuality and relationships regularly come up in the news (e.g., abortion rights and gay marriage), in TV shows and movies, and in your daily life. Use these opportunities to ask your child for their opinions, assess their understanding, and educate them. Your child probably knows more than you imagine and may surprise you with their insights.. Be curious, make no assumptions, and try to hold judgement. If you immediately criticize them when they share, this might be their last time opening up.
Model critical watching of ads and movies. Point out generalizations, stereotypes, and objectification of individuals. Try to always start with an open-ended question: “What do you think about how this character is portrayed?” or “What would you do if you were in this situation?”
Often, you can learn more about your teen’s lives by asking about their peers. Ask them about what kids at school are into, what they may have seen happening in the bathroom, or what they think about a friend’s behavior if you happen to have some information.
Tips for Increasing Communications
DO:
Respect your teen’s priorities. Ask if now is a good time to talk and if they say no, ask when would be better. Forcing a conversation when they are mentally unavailable wastes your time and energy since their brain will be busy and not process whatever you say.
Share your own feelings and acknowledge theirs. You want to model being vulnerable, and you want to connect in a warm and kind way. They are more likely to listen and share if they know you are worried or scared for their safety. You can read more about the importance of validating your child’s feelings in my post: Effective Parenting is a Balancing Act.
Be curious. Your teen is an expert on their own life, and there is a lot you’d be surprised to hear (most likely, both pleasantly surprised and taken aback). Demonstrate active listening by asking follow-up questions and checking for understanding: “So, do I get this right - your friend cut class and spent the whole period in the bathroom stall, and no one went looking for them?”
DON’T:
Jump in with solutions and opinions. When your child shares, wait for them to ask for your opinion or advice. If they don’t, bite your tongue. This will increase the likelihood of them continuing to share. You can always follow up at a later time, starting with, “I have been thinking about what you said, and I wonder if you want some help figuring that out.”
Overdo it. Get your main points across, ask if they have any questions, and let them move on. Multiple short conversations are always more effective than one big lecture. Think about studying for a test for shorter time periods over a week compared to cramming for hours just the day before. What would be better test prep?
Assume you know what happened, what your child thinks, or how they feel. Put yourself in their shoes and address them how you would want to be addressed.
Keep It Going
End the conversation before your child loses patience, thank them for sharing and listening, and let them know you are happy to talk more at another time. If they do not approach you with questions, feel free to casually bring up the topic yourself.
The more you practice, the easier and more natural this will become. Then, one day, without your prompting, your teenager will jump onto your bed, look you in the eye, and start spilling. Yes, it will be when you are ready to go to sleep, but parenting is also about compromising. Take it when it comes!
