What was I thinking?

In parenting workshops, I often refer to Dr. Dan Siegel’s Hand Model of the brain. If you are unfamiliar with it, take two minutes to watch it. Once you learn this, you will always remember what happens in the brain when someone is overwhelmed by emotions - the lid flipping - and more easily empathize with them and help them (and/or yourself) regain calmness.

How Strong Emotions Hijack Your Brain

That wrinkled blob we imagine when we think of the brain, the part responsible for complex functions like logical thinking and decision-making, is often less accessible when we experience strong emotions such as anger, fear, or worry.

The reason seems to be that these emotions trigger our fight or flight response, prioritizing sending blood to other brain parts (e.g., the amygdala). This is useful for quick action that might save your life when in danger - the amygdala will then release hormones that will tell your body more oxygen and sugar are in need, the heart, lungs, and liver respond, and you are ready for action.

But our daily lives usually do not necessitate all that. Sweaty hands and a fast heartbeat in response to strong emotions might indicate you are experiencing what psychologist Daniel Goleman called “amygdala hijacking.” Your amygdala reacts in a way that is out of proportion to the situation, often causing regrettable reactions such as yelling, shaming others, or even violence. Later, we might wonder - what was I thinking? Unfortunately, we were not.

And, of course, this applies to our parental brains as well. I can recall many arguments with my teens when I was disappointed over a poor decision they made, they were upset about me getting angry, we yelled at each other, and… no good came of it. So what should we do when our teen arrives too late at night, and we are worried sick? Or they come home from school after we received a call about them cutting class or failing a course? Below, I will share first general advice for those moments of amygdala hijacking, followed by specific tips for caregivers that work for me and many parents I have worked with.

OVERiding the amygdala

When you recognize signs of fight or flight in your body, give your brain a chance to realize that you are actually safe. Remove yourself from the situation and take a break - a short walk in the fresh air or a few long breaths in a quiet room. If you cannot get away, try a short mental break. Yes, counting to ten in your head may actually be helpful. All your brain needs is a couple of seconds to recalibrate. It can be challenging, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Now, when it come to responding to your children -

MIRROR What You’d Like to See

No matter how strong, emotions do not last long unless they are fed. And guess what? You lecturing, or yelling, or sometimes just giving them a look, can fuel their emotions. Instead, do your best to respond calmly. Some of the neurons in our brains are ‘mirror neurons.’ So you regulating your emotions will also help your child calm down. As long as your child is safe, it is also okay to say: “I need a minute for myself. I am too upset to talk right now.” and leave the scene. Or if your child asks to leave so they can calm down, let them.

Choose One Thing to Say

Imagine you came home after many hours of work, social interactions, and possibly playing sports. Your partner or roommate jumps at you and starts telling you everything they thought you did wrong today. How would that feel?

So instead of doing the equivalence of that, let your child come in, and say: “I am so glad you are home, I was really worried.” or “School called, when is a good time for you to talk about it?”

make a plan and follow through

At another time, when you and your child are calm, discuss what happened. Focus on your feelings and needs rather than what they did wrong. You could say, “I worry when you are out late. It would be helpful to hear from you.” or “I was surprised to hear you cut class today. I need to be able to trust you to make good decisions when you are on your own.”

Then, listen to your teen as they share their side. Ask what they need, and together, make a plan that would meet both your needs. Also, agree on what would happen if they do not honor the agreement. For example, if your child cuts classes at school, that might be an indicator they are not ready to make good decisions. Therefore, they might lose the right to go out with friends.

You can find more tips for improving communication with your teen in my post, Let’s Talk About It, and I will write more on appropriate consequences soon. Have any questions or comments? get in touch!