Effective Parenting is a Balancing Act
Looking to form a nurturing relationship with your child? Hoping they grow up to be capable, confident, and happy? The research is clear: authoritative parenting, a balance of kindness and firmness, is more effective than any other parenting style.
Kindness tells your child they matter
Young children observe carefully and, based on their experiences, come to conclusions about themselves and the world. When you treat your child respectfully, they will learn to expect that from others and recognize mistreatment. Being kind maintains your connection with your child at times when you have to hold a boundary.
DO: Offer loving support when they struggle to complete a task or regulate their emotions. You can do that with one sentence, such as: “I know you are upset, it can be frustrating when we do not get what we want.” Then give them space to recover.
DON’T: dismiss their feelings by saying, ‘You are fine.’ Clearly, they do not feel fine, and your saying so may give them the sense that their feelings don’t matter or cannot be trusted.
Kindness does not mean giving in or rescuing.
Healthy mental health means having the ability to experience a range of emotions and recover from them. Remember your parental vision and allow your child to overcome appropriate frustration and difficulties. Removing all obstacles and granting all their wishes creates an unrealistic life expectation for children - things will be easy, and everyone will do as they wish. Challenges, however, are like a butterfly’s rumble - its struggle to emerge from the chrysalis - opportunities for your child to strengthen and develop resilience.
DO: stay close by, acknowledge the difficulty, and assure them you trust their abilities.
DON’T: overprotect, jump to their rescue, or provide all their wishes.
Firm boundaries assure safety, clarity, and comfort.
Teaching your child what is safe, acceptable, and appropriate will require some rules. Rules that are clear and reasonable are easier to follow. Children (even teens) appreciate and respect their parents when they say, ‘I love you, and the answer is no.’ They need adults they can trust to keep them safe and model making good decisions, even under pressure. When rules are not consistent, the result is confusion and misbehavior. If the rule is ‘30 minutes of screen time on weekdays,’ and you allow your child five more minutes today, what do you think they will ask for tomorrow? What will he do when you refuse the extra time?
DO: clarify rules and consequences at a time when your child is calm, decide what you will do, and follow through.
DON’T: lecture or yell when a rule is not followed.
Strategies for being kind and firm at the same time
The key to effective parenting is the balance between kindness and firmness.
Here are a few ways to go about it:
Show understanding and remain firm: I know you want to stay at the playground AND it is time for dinner
Validate feelings: You are sad to say goodbye to grandma AND she has to go now
Provide a Choice: You don’t want to get dressed, AND it’s time to go to school. Should we bring your clothes in a bag and you change them there, or would you like to quickly get dressed now?
Decide what you will do and follow through: I understand it’s important to stay in touch with your friends, AND the rule is no phones at the dinner table. Would you like to put your phone aside, or should I keep it for the rest of the evening? (assuming you agreed on this consequence ahead of time)
Allow them to experience natural consequences: I am sorry you forgot about your homework, AND you will have to explain that to your teacher and ask for an extension.
It is easier to stay calm and kind while holding a boundary if we can keep in mind our values and goals as parents. Take some time to identify what values are important to your family, and list characteristics and life skills you would like your child to have. When faced with a parental decision, think: which option aligns with my values and goals? Which option strengthens my child, teaches them a skill, or models a desired characteristic? Based on your answers, make a decision, and firmly follow through with kindness.
