Notice What You Want to Grow
Recently, I worked with parents whose child was struggling with behavior at school.
Every afternoon, the teacher sent home a report describing what had gone wrong that day. Naturally, when their child came home, the first question was, "How was your day?" The conversation almost inevitably turned into another discussion about behavior, disappointment, and what needed to change.
I suggested trying something different.
First, when their child came home, stop leading with the anxious question.
Instead, greet them with a hug and tell them you're happy to see them. If they wanted to tell their parents about their day, they would.
Second, I suggested talking with the teacher.
If the school's consequences for inappropriate behavior were reasonable, let the school handle them consistently. Then ask the teacher to send home one thing each day that had gone well instead.
My intention wasn't to ignore the misbehavior. The school was already addressing it through consistent consequences. There was little to gain from having the child relive the difficult parts of the day all over again at home.
Within a few weeks, things began to change.
The child was no longer coming home expecting another conversation about what had gone wrong.
The parents had more opportunities to notice effort, cooperation, and good decisions.
The teacher began looking for moments worth reporting. Instead of ending each day by recalling what had gone wrong, she was paying closer attention to what the child was doing well.
The conversations began to change. And so did the child's behavior.
As our children grow, they are constantly learning who they are. Part of that learning comes from the experiences we give them. Another part comes from what we consistently notice about them.
Adlerian psychology places a strong emphasis on encouragement.
Encouragement isn't pretending problems don't exist. It goes hand in hand with clear expectations, consistent boundaries, and accountability.
Encouragement is choosing to notice effort, contribution, persistence, and growth so that they become more visible to us and to our children.
Unlike praise, which often evaluates ("Good job!" or "You're so smart!"), encouragement simply notices:
"You kept trying even when it was difficult."
"I noticed you remembered without me asking."
"Thank you for including your brother when he wanted to play."
What we consistently notice often becomes what we nurture.
Every family has things that need correcting. Don't stop correcting.
Just make sure correction isn't the main thing your child hears.
So here's a question to consider this week:
What quality do you hope will grow in your child, and how could you make a point of noticing it this week?
¹ Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs distinguished encouragement from praise. Encouragement fosters a child's sense of competence, belonging, and contribution rather than dependence on external approval. If you'd like to explore this idea further, you can download my free guide, In Praise of Encouragement.
