Let Them Do It

The first installment of‍ ‍The Practice of Parenting, a weekly series exploring the small parenting decisions we make every day and how they shape the people our children are becoming.

Independence Day got me thinking about a different kind of independence: the kind children develop slowly, through years of practice.

When I ask parents of young children about their “parenting vision,” the qualities they hope their children will possess as adults, words like capable, independent, and responsible are often at the top of the list.

What we do not always recognize is that we need to start fostering these qualities quite early.

Our babies begin completely dependent on us: we feed them, dress them, carry them, and take care of their every need. We might happily continue doing everything for them if they did not eventually become too heavy to carry.

Fortunately, toddlers also begin insisting, “Me do it!”

And then, often, life gets in the way.

It is faster to put on their shoes ourselves. Easier to clear the table ourselves. Less messy to cook without their help. More efficient to do their laundry, make the appointment, or solve the problem.

But independence develops through practice.

One useful principle is this: When your child is capable of doing something, resist routinely doing it for them.

Yes, it may take longer to let a young child get dressed independently. Plan for the extra time when you can. With practice, they will become faster and more capable.

Then look just beyond what they can already do. What could they manage with a little guidance or support?¹

A five-year-old who has mastered setting the table can make that a regular contribution and begin helping to empty the dishwasher. A nine-year-old can start learning to do laundry and participate more meaningfully in cooking. A teenager can learn to prepare an entire meal, fill out forms at the doctor’s office, and schedule their own appointments.

The specific task matters less than the pattern: master something, take responsibility for it, and begin learning what comes next.

Childhood is the time to practice not only practical skills but also what it means to be a contributing member of a community.

When children participate meaningfully in family life, they learn: I am capable. I am needed. I matter here.²

And when we show them that we trust their growing abilities, we help them learn to trust themselves.

So here is a question to consider this week:

What are you still doing for your child that they may be ready to begin doing for themselves?

¹ Psychologist Lev Vygotsky described the Zone of Proximal Development as the space between what a child can do independently and what they can do with guidance or support. Learning happens as children take on challenges within this space and gradually become able to manage them on their own.

² Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs emphasized children's need for belonging and significance. From an Adlerian perspective, meaningful contribution to family life helps children experience themselves as capable and valued members of their community.