Choosing Curiosity Over Reactivity

Recognizing protective patterns helps us understand where our reactions come from.

But understanding is not the same as regulation.

Even when we see that a reaction is rooted in earlier experience, it can still take over in the present moment.

Reactivity is fast.
Curiosity is slower.

Choosing curiosity over reactivity is not about suppressing emotion, but tolerating it long enough to respond deliberately.

Emotions are information. They signal that something matters.

But strong emotion can also narrow perception. When we feel criticized, dismissed, or misunderstood, the nervous system prepares for defense: to argue, withdraw, correct, or counterattack.

In those moments, curiosity requires something counterintuitive: staying present with discomfort instead of discharging it.

Psychologist Lisa Damour emphasizes that emotional health is not the absence of distress, but the capacity to tolerate it. The ability to stay with a feeling, even briefly, creates space for choice.

That space is where curiosity lives.

Instead of reacting with certainty, we might ask:

“Help me understand what you meant.”
“What was happening for you in that moment?”
“What were you hoping I would notice?”
“Is there something I’m missing?”

Curiosity does not mean agreement or abandoning boundaries.
It means remaining engaged long enough to gather information.

In the research of John Gottman, partners respond to moments of tension by turning toward, turning away, or turning against each other. Reactivity often leads to turning against: criticism, defensiveness, or escalation.

Curiosity interrupts that pattern and keeps the interaction relational.

This is especially relevant in parenting. A child’s distress or defiance can quickly activate urgency. Reactivity moves us quickly toward control, correction, or escalation. Curiosity asks first: What is happening here?

Choosing curiosity is not passive. It is an active regulatory decision.

It requires slowing down enough to notice:

What am I feeling right now?
What is the story I am telling myself?
What might be happening for the other person?

When we tolerate discomfort instead of reacting immediately, we increase the likelihood that the conversation moves toward understanding rather than escalation.

You might notice:

In which situations does reactivity come quickly?
What changes when you pause long enough to ask one curious question before responding?