Attending to What Gets Reinforced

Some parts of a relationship change because they are addressed directly.
Others shift quietly, without discussion, simply through repetition.

This skill is about noticing how attention shapes relationships over time.
Not as a strategy to influence outcomes, but as a way to understand what is already being reinforced through everyday interactions.

What gets named.
What gets acknowledged.
What gets responded to.
And what goes largely unseen.

Over time, attention communicates what matters, what belongs, and what has a place in the relationship. Often, this happens without anyone intending it.

This is not about being more positive.
It’s about becoming aware of direction: what your attention consistently moves toward, and what it moves away from.

Encouragement, Reframed

Here, encouragement is not praise, approval, or evaluation.

It is not:

“Good job.”
“I like when you do that.”
“That’s better.”

Encouragement, in this sense, is informational. It names impact rather than performance.

It sounds more like:

“That made a difference.”
“I felt supported when that happened.”
“That mattered to me.”

The focus is not on shaping behavior, but on reflecting contribution and impact as they are actually experienced.

This distinction matters.

Belonging and Attention

In the work of Rudolf Dreikurs, the need for belonging is central to how people engage, contribute, and relate.
Belonging is shaped less by intention than by lived experience over time.

We learn where belonging feels steady and where it feels conditional.

We learn:

What tends to be welcomed
What tends to be overlooked
What feels safe to bring forward

This skill invites awareness of how attention helps shape that landscape.

What This Skill Is Not

This is not a substitute for boundaries.
It is not a way to avoid hard conversations.
It is not a tool for changing someone indirectly.

Attention shapes climate, not consent, and encouragement does not replace honesty.

In your relationships as they are now, what seems most consistently seen? And what receives little response?