Transcript: Office Hours, June 2025

 Hi, good morning. Welcome to Live Office Hours at the Parenting Lab.

This is an opportunity for us to connect first and foremost, but also for you to ask any questions, give me any suggestions, anything that comes to mind, and also maybe to make some new friends, because actually most of you are from very close to where I'm situated.

Let's start with some questions that I'm already getting in the chat.

And by the way, I will send a recording of this meeting and also a written transcript, so you can stay for the whole meeting, or once you have your question answered, if you're like, okay, I'd rather just go now. Totally. Okay. I don't take it personally.

Thank you also to those who I'm hoping are watching the recording because you submitted questions via email.

So, the first questions are related to the handout that I sent about play and boredom in the summer. And this first question I get a lot:

What if my child always says I'm bored even when there are plenty of toys and activities?

Don't, we all have plenty of toys and activities and yet sometimes we feel like, Hmm, I'm not sure what I wanna do right now. It's really common and it's often with children, not about boredom. Think about when your child says, I'm bored. As if they want to connect with you. They just want something different.

They need some stimulation. And then instead of jumping in with a solution, think about. What do I want my child to learn in the long term? Right? And really, what are the skills we want them to learn? We want them to find their own interests. We want them to find a way to connect with people without saying on board, right?

If they're in a relationship with somebody and they want to start a conversation, maybe that's not the best way to do it. So instead of jumping with a solution, let let them. Figure it out. Maybe say something like, Hmm, I wonder what kind of activity you're in the mood for. And just let it sit. Let them sit with that slightly uncomfortable idea, which often leads them to find something to do, you know, when we're bored.

It's, it's an opportunity for skill building. It's when creative ideas come, our brain just goes through whatever is there, solves problems sometimes, and also it's an opportunity to regulate any emotions that that come in.

Um, another question in the chat related to that I saw…

How can I encourage unstructured play, when my child always asks for screen time instead?

So, you know, those words always, always are, um, a bit of a red light for a therapist. Um, nothing happens always right, but, but we do get these days, um, children asking for screen time and especially if we sometimes give them our phones.

These machines are super addictive for somebody who is an adult, right? For us, I know for me, if I want to really focus on work or on reading, I actually put my phone somewhere where I cannot see it. Not just where I can't reach it, but where I can't see it because just for whatever reason, and there's research, research done about it, if we can see it, we are attracted to it.

It's the same for our kids. It's even worse for our kids because of the stage of development of their brain, they just get addicted to things much more easily. Maybe you've heard the research about smoking that kids who are exposed to smoking at a young age are much more likely to become addicted, and it's really much harder for them to stop smoking.

So it's really the same with a lot of things. And the most brilliant minds in the world have worked, are still working to make sure we are addicted to apps and things on these screens. And I've heard from Jonathan Hyde, I don't know if you're listening to him or reading what he's writing, um, but he says that, that the touch screens are much more, are much worse than just the tv.

Right? A lot of us grew up watching tv. We didn't become addicted to it, but something about the immediate response and the touchscreen just makes it really hard. So my best advice for young kids, don't give them the phone ever. And I know the question you're asking. Well, I already started. They, it'll be a huge fight to stop.

Yes. It'll be hard and you can do it, and you're the parent, so I highly recommend Stop giving them your phone. You can have screen time at home, on the tv, or you can, you can even have very limited, um, playtime on a, ideally on a tablet that's not your phone. Something that stays home, that doesn't go with you everywhere so that they can start reducing the use.

But yeah, I don't really see a reason for young kids to use phones or tablets. They don't really need that for healthy development. And actually when they use that. What are they not doing? Think about that. But back to this question, how do I incur unstructured play when my child, uh, keeps asking for the screen?

Well, like, like I said, screens are easy. Entertainment, right? It's an immediate dopamine surge in the brain while play takes effort, right? So if your child is used to this immediate entertainment. It takes time to rebuild that muscle of self-directed place, which is really what children were meant to do in in young ages.

What they need to do is, I. Play, unstructured play so that they can figure things out, uh, ideally with the, with some other kids, maybe different ages, kids, um, so that they can figure out relationships, how things work in the world. How do I feel about things, right? That's how they learn about the world, other people and themselves.

So you can help by setting very clear limits around screen time and then offering. Just enough support to get them started. So maybe no screen times right now, but you can use your blocks or play outside. Would you like help with Summit or, um, well, what, when I say, uh, very clear limits, ideally the, the family has clear limits, right?

So. For our family. When my kids were young, it was no screens during the school week. And then on the weekend there was a very clear limit. And yes, it changed with age. And yes, we've become a bit, a bit more lenient with our younger one probably, uh, which my older ones will complain about. But still, my, my youngest one is, um.

Just finishing seventh grade and she does not have her own phone. She does have access to an iPad, which needs to stay in the common areas. And for the whole family, there are no screens, including phones around the dinner table and, and we do make sure to spend time with each other doing other things like playing games, going on hikes.

Sitting in the living room, having conversations or, or watching a movie together, right? Or watching 10,000 trailers trying to decide which movie we're gonna watch. But there are very clear limits for everybody, and that's really important because remember, your children are watching and learning from what you do more than from what you say.

So if I say, uh, no phones around the dinner table. And then I sit there during dinner with my phone, then my kids will know that that's not an important,

I, I did say this in a previous, uh, q and a or in one of the courses I say that just lost my train of thought.

Literal meets. They watch us. Hmm. I dunno. It'll come back to me.

All right. There is one more. There is one more, um, question in the chat that I saw that was related to this.

What if my child isn't the kind who plays independently?

And, and that happens a lot, right? We, when our kids are young, we just so en enjoy their company and even just sitting there and watching them and, you know, the, the young baby that we kind of entertain and peekaboo and all of that, and then they, um, they become a bit older.

Or as time goes by, we realize, okay, we cannot be entertaining this child the whole time, right? We have our own lives. There are things that we have to do in the house. Maybe we have some work to do. So why can't they play on their own? And really that's, that's, like I said before, it's kind of a muscle that has to grow, this ability to entertain themselves.

So just like with everything else, we wanna start by modeling. So maybe we sit down for just five to 10 minutes and, and do engage in play with them, not leading it, but. Um, playing with them, right, following their lead, maybe, um, putting out the blocks and saying, oh, let, let's build something together. Or, uh, if you have a pretended kitchen or any, any other pretend items, or just use real items and start pretending that you're doing something different with them just to get it started and then follow their lead.

Then after you've spent a few minutes, you can say, you know what? I'm gonna go make tea, but you can keep playing. I'll be right back. And some ki kids, um, will just continue to play on their own and, and others will need more scaffolding to, to keep playing on their own. But when, once you start doing this regularly and allowing them, allowing them to.

You know, sit with that discomfort. I'm right here. You're good. I need to do this, or I want to do this right. I'm going to read my book. You can choose something else to do nearby. You can also try rotating toys. So we all have more toys than we need, right? So maybe, um. You know, you, you leave a few toys in the living room or in your playroom, wherever they usually play, um, for a week or two or even a month, and the rest of them go in the basement.

You know, sometimes we have so much around us that it's hard for a child to, for a child to choose. So, you know, you can. Take a lot of it out. It's kind of like with your wardrobe, right? I don't know if any of you have ever tried to go with the capsule wardrobe. I've been trying for the past couple of years to really just choose a limited number of items to keep very visible in my closet.

And then everything else I kind of put aside and the pieces I have are easy to work with each other. And that way it, it's less kind of figuring out what to wear because there are really less options. To choose form, which makes it easy. So same thing with toys, right? Choose a few things. Um, and this works best with toys that can be used for different things, right?

Like, um, uh, building blocks. Maybe you have, uh, dominoes, some small figures. Of course, everything has to be age appropriate, but I remember spending hours and hours with my siblings. Making houses in little towns out of like tiny dominoes and all sorts of building blocks and, and some legos on the floor.

There would be like a whole little city and, and we would just love it. Um, so what I'm saying is limited options sometimes allow for more imagination and more independent choices to start playing. I.

And keeping it simple really is, is really helpful with the young children. You know, with my first child, I got one of those, um, lists from the internet or from somewhere. Everything you need to get before you have your baby. Uh, probably it was from one of those. What to expect when you're expecting. And, you know, I got, went down the checklist.

I bought all the toys, all the clothes, uh, the wipe warmer, you know, all these things that really we couldn't have lived without. And with, with my, um, younger children, some of it, uh, obviously some of it I had, but really I donated a lot of it. And then some things I, I just realized, oh, we, we never needed that.

Alright, so there is a question here about scheduling activities. So we do live in a society, the, sorry, the question is:

Other parents are scheduling activities and I'm worried my child is missing out and will be left behind.

So we do live in this society where. There is a lot of pressure, right? You might be feeling like you're not doing right by your child if they haven't started, um, playing the piano or doing some martial arts or sports or learning three learning, learning a third language at age three, but our kids really thrive.

In simpler environment where they do not have to be rushed. And that's definitely something I've said in the past, that rushing children can build stress and anxiety in them. They need to feel like they have all the time in the world within limits. So

we, we have to, as parents, figure out a way. To be clear about our values and our priorities for our children, and for me, the priority is mental health and to, to prioritize my relationship with my children and really not necessarily to make other people happy. If, if I can live by my own values and do what I believe to be right for my children, then I'm not, I can be less worried about what other people are doing.

So yeah, it's okay to swim against the tide. It's okay to say, you know what, I'm not going to overschedule my child. Yeah. Because really when we do that, that can interfere with their ability to explore their own interests and to develop, um, internal motivation, right? If I make a schedule for my child, then I'm dictating what they're gonna do every morning at a time.

They live by this schedule, and then when they, maybe an activity is canceled or, um, we want to. I want to, um, go and sit somewhere and read for an hour. My child is like, wait, but what am I supposed to do? So you need to let them build those muscles again. They have to get used to keeping themself busy, to entertaining themselves.

Uh, and you know, when we give them time, that is not scheduled, they can play. They can rest, they can contribute to the household and they can connect with us. That's, that's the recipe for a rich childhood and, and there is research that shows that being bored and having downtime really are essential for being creative and mentally wellbeing.

So I guess my short answer is who cares what other people are doing? Think about what's important to you and how you can raise a, a child who is mentally healthy and happy eventually in their lives.

Okay. I think this will be the last one. Yeah. This is the last question related to boredom.

So when my kids are bored, they just end up fighting. How do I handle that?

We will have a, um, workshop about siblings relationships. I think I scheduled it for September, but maybe even August. I'll have to look at my list later and you can email me and let me know.

How urgent is this? 'cause who cares what I planned? They can always change it, right? Um, so when kids are bored, they sometimes will get into fights. By the way, they sometimes get into fights also when they're not bored, when they, uh. Are just living next to each other. The kid siblings will get into fights.

That's, that's the typical thing. Um, but, but it often does escalate when they are understimulated or want our attention. So one thing that works is to give them like a shared challenge or. Um, separate suggesting basically that, that they separate and play by themselves, but, but also, I, I, you can normalize the, the conflict, right?

That that's an opportunity, right? Looks like you're both having a hard time figuring this out. Do you wanna figure it out or do you wanna play separately for a bit? And I would be careful about being a referee in general. This is not about boredom. This is about dealing with siblings conflict. You know, it often happens that we ask the older sibling to, um, give the younger one what they want.

We sometimes, uh, in families, I hear, oh, the, the older one always hates the younger one, so we have to stop it and think about what happens when we do that. When we immediately come in and rescue the younger one, we are kind of labeling them, right? We label the younger one as a victim and the older one as a bully.

We don't say it obviously, but especially if it's happening repeatedly. These are. The labels they will have for themselves. So we wanted to avoid being a referee. If we can. We, we just ignore what's happening. Pretend like we didn't see it, we we're not hearing it. You know, as long as everybody's safe, obviously we can let them quarrel.

They will figure it out. If, if you do have to intervene. Try to use very objective phrases like, this is not safe. It's okay to be angry, it's not okay to hit. And, and sometimes you have to physically stop them from doing things like that or throwing things or whatever it is. And, um, there is an end out about anger, uh, in the parenting lab, which I'm happy to share again if needed.

Um, yeah. But. The, the strategies for conflicts between siblings, I would say is pretend like you can see it. If you can't, you, you definitely can say something like, you know, depending on the situation, I see you're both upset. How can you figure it out and walk away? Let them figure it out. And if they're fighting over a toy or something like that, it's okay to say after you gave them a few minutes.

Alright, I see it's hard for you to figure out how to share this toy, so maybe it just goes away for a while. That's fine too. Maybe put the sharing problem on your family family meeting agenda. Um, because, you know, boredom can be a trigger for conflicts, but it's also an opportunity, right? It's it any conflict.

Any challenge, uh, for a parent really is an opportunity to coach social skills, emotional regulation, um, skills for later in life, which really is our job as parents. Don't forget that. And, and if this continues, try planning for it. What works best when they need space, you can discuss it with them. If they're old enough, you can discuss it with whoever is co-parenting with you.

Have a plan that that's always, um, a good idea. Uh, and then I wanna open my email because there was. An emailed question, but before I do that, I wonder if,

I wonder if anybody who is here has a follow up question or anything like that.

We're good. Okay.

Here it is. Alright, so not related to boredom at all. Um.

What question? Sorry, thought I had it open.

Um, here we are. My question is:

How to deal with or handle appropriately when my 5-year-old son is rude about the food that is served? Ew. Disgusting. Ugh. I don't wanna eat that.

I, I love that question. Um, and I'm imagining your 5-year-old saying it, and I'm sorry, but it's kind of funny. Um, so let's think about this.

You have cooked a, or your partner cooked a lovely dinner, or you've paid a nice amount of money for it. And your child is like, Ugh, I'm not eating that. So we want to think about what are our goals here? Right? And remember, I always say, you know, the behavior is the tip of the iceberg. What, what is really behind it?

And then apparently situation, a parent might say, well, the, the thing behind it is that they don't like broccoli. Yes. Uh, so how do we want to respond to that? They, they want to not eat that broccoli. What is important to me here, and as always, we want to take this opportunity, right, to build skills like, um, you know, being respectful, um, cooperative, focusing on really long-term values.

Like our responsibility to others and, and being socially aware and interested, right? Um, we, we don't want necessarily to just foster, uh, short-term obedience, right? You have to eat the broccoli because I said so, or even you have to eat that broccoli because it's healthy for you. The more we use that kind of approach, the more the child will be like, Hmm, I don't need it.

And really we cannot. Force feed our children. So when you have a picky eater, it's really important to not make it into a, our struggle because what they put into the mouths is, is something that is within their control. Also, what they put out of their body is also within, within their control. So that's another power struggle we don't wanna get into.

But, uh, I'm not, I will not get into that now. So thinking about focusing on long-term goals and you know, mutual respect, and of course whatever we do, we want to model. So my first job is to somehow respond in a common, respectful way, right? So if I need to, I will take a breath and say, well. It's okay not to like everything, but we speak kindly about food that others have made and maybe that's a mouthful and you can't even say that.

And definitely if your child is a bit older, when, when somebody says something like that about food that, that I, I made, I might say ouch, which will tell the child what you did was hurtful, right? You hurt my feelings. I. Made this, I poured my heart and time and soul, uh, into it however much effort you made.

Um, and it's just not kind to say that about food. Uh, so first we model by staying calm, and then we want to acknowledge their feeling, right? We wanna validate them and then all, and, and teach respect at the same time, right? So when they, um, have this kind of a rude comment. It's maybe because they, they want attention.

They wanna feel like they have some autonomy, uh, or they're reacting to something that happened before. Right. We, we don't always know. So we can definitely acknowledge that. Right. Okay. I see that you don't feel like eating that today. You don't have to eat it. And we still speak respectfully. And then, uh, you wanna offer whatever limited options.

Whatever limited choices are okay with you, right? We want to encourage their autonomy, um, maybe give them some agency so that you can reduce the power struggle that is kind of building up. So you could say, um, so I, you don't want the broccoli today? That's fine. Would you like some carrots or just the pasta for now?

Right. So we're allowing them some decision making. Within appropriate limits. And please, I really, um, discourage making them something new or really accommodating their very limited choices every meal. Um, your job as a parent is to expand their ability to do things that are a bit uncomfortable, maybe to try a new food.

Maybe to, um, choose to have just one thing during meal because they really don't wanna eat the two other side dishes. You know, in our family, the rule was and still is, whatever food we have prepared or brought to the table, um, those are the options. You don't have to eat everything. You don't have to eat at all.

It is also not okay to get up and get something else. It is not okay to uh, wait for everybody to eat and then go and make yourself something else. Nope. This is what we're all eating. This is dinner time or lunchtime, whatever it is. And you don't wanna eat it. You may stay hungry until the next meal. And my kids grew up with that.

Yes, there was some grumbling. Um. Some of them might say, oh, you did force us to try new things, yet we, yes, we encouraged, um, trying new things also. Yes, I made mistakes when my kids were young. I probably still do mistakes. Uh, I'm human, but, but those were the rules. We all eat the same thing. We respect whomever made the food or chose to order it in whatever was happening, and, and these are the options.

They knew that when we go to a restaurant, we, 99% of the time, uh, do family style, right? We, we order, we of course ask everybody what they kind of want. Um, and we try to accommodate. We're a big family, so it's kind of nice actually. It's fun to be able to order five different dishes rather than just, um, two, if I just go with my husband and everybody can try everything, which to us was fun.

Um. And my kids from a very young age knew that there was no way we're ordering, um, burger and chips in an Italian restaurant from the kids' menu, right. Uh, or pasta with no sauce. They, they just knew what's important to us. And for us, it was important for them to be curious about food and, and about a lot of other things, and to try new things even when it's a bit uncomfortable.

So, and I'm not saying everybody should do exactly what I did. I'm just saying this is what Im, was important for, um, my husband and me, and that's how our kids grew up. And now that they're older, they do appreciate it. And yes, it was hard sometimes, but since it was, we knew, okay, these are our values. It wasn't very hard to stick with those boundaries.

So again. You want to, um, offer them some autonomy? I'll just go, go back to my, um, since I talked a bit much, we started by modeling, right? I'm going to respond in a calm and respectful way, right? It's not, it's okay. Uh, not to like everything, but we speak respectfully to each other. We, or, or just ouch. It's okay for you not to like what I made, but it's not okay to hurt my feelings.

And then we, um, what did I say next? We, we set the boundary right? We acknowledge their feeling, you know, it sounds like you don't wanna eat this today. That's fine. And still we speak respectfully and then we want to encourage their autonomy, give them some. Limited choices to, to reduce the, the power struggle.

Um, so something like, would you like to have the carrots or just past it today and in general, like in many other places with our children, we try to avoid the power struggle, um, and definitely avoid lectures, right? We want to encourage cooperation when we argue or scold our kids. We kind of reinforce the behavior by giving it a lot of attention.

So instead you wanna just give a brief, kind reminder and move on, right? We, um, we talk to each other kindly. You don't have to eat something. If you don't like it, then move on and, and, you know, turn, really move on. Turn your attention to your other child or to your partner, or just start. Eating your own food, really not much attention.

And then maybe at another time, there is an opportunity to to teach. To teach and connect, I guess, right? To, um, outside of mealtime, explore what happened, involve them in problem solving. Right? Um, hey, earlier you said EU about dinner. What, what was that about? Let's think about how we can say something like this.

In a different way that is more respectful towards whomever cooked the food. Maybe that it's more respectful or kind to me or to dad. Um, right. So then you and your child can bring other ways to say it. Right. Um, maybe something like, oh, I, I don't like broccoli, or, oh, I. I don't feel like eating this today.

Um, and maybe even, can I have more carrots instead? Right. Just simple other ways to say, I don't want this without being disrespectful. And then involve your child in general. Right? This is not during the meal or necessarily while you have this, um. Teach and connect opportunity. Um, you want to focus on their contributions.

If, if they have, uh, a lot of, um, this kind of behavior during mealtimes, then try to involve them in planning meals or, um, making food, preparing with the meals. Um. You know, children thrive when they feel that they are capable and needed, that we're counting on them. So maybe, um, they help you plan every, maybe I, some people are much more organized than me and they plan their whole week, uh, on Sunday.

Uh, so maybe they can help you, right? Maybe. You agree on, you know, every dinner needs to have, uh, a protein, some carbs and some vegetables, and they help you choose. Or if that's too much of a task, then maybe you plan today for tomorrow or today at lunchtime, you plan dinner time. You look at what's in the fridge and you say, Hey, do you feel like cucumbers or carrots this evening?

Or, what kind of salad should we make? Um. And then of course, if they can be involved in preparing the food, then they are more likely to eat it and enjoy it. So maybe they can help you stir the sauce, or if, if they're capable of cutting the vegetables or peeling or even setting the table, the more we can involve them, the more they will be interested in, in trying the food.

So. Get them involved from young age. Um, and a lot of people are a bit worried about safety. There are ways to teach children to use knives safely. My children went to a kindergarten where every day they would, uh, I dunno, I might take it back. I dunno if every day they, they were helping with snack time.

But definitely on Friday. Friday was soup day or fruit salad day in the summer. And every child was asked to bring a fruit in the summer or a vegetable in the winter to school on Friday. And when they were coming in, everybody had their own, um, little cutting board and a knife. Yes, a sharp knife that could cut through potatoes and carrots and apples.

And they taught them how to. Uh, hold the knife in one hand and then the other hand was put on top so that there was no way they could cut it. So I, I'm trying to remember the catch catchy little rhyme they had for it. But, um, these were four or five, six year olds cutting with sharp knives and contributing, right?

Imagine that feeling of. We are using the celery I brought and the, or the carrot, right. And I'm gonna help cut it. And we put it all in the pot and then we make a lovely vegetable soup and, you know, then it, it cooks in the classroom and then at mealtime everybody is eating together. And part of it is what I brought from home and what I helped cut.

Everybody was eating that soup. Even kids who at home would be picky eaters would eat the vegetable soup in the kindergarten. So involve them. Set clear limits, take every challenges and opportunity to teach something about long-term goals to help them grow as human beings. Above all, stay calm and kind because you, you're modeling and I'm not, I know it's hard.

I'm not saying you are not allowed to have any anger or frustration and all those other feelings that we often have as parents of young children. It's okay and it's, and it's okay to say I'm really frustrated right now, so I'm gonna take a minute. And I'll respond to you after I manage my emotion. Speed.

And that's again, modeling, managing your emotions and responding in appropriate way. And it, it's okay sometimes, uh, to raise our voices. It happens to everybody, I promise. And then we can go back and say. I was so angry and I raised my voice, and I'm sorry. I'm really trying to get better at doing this without, um, being disrespectful or scary.

So when we do do things, we regret, we model an apology, another opportunity, uh, to teach.

Any other questions, comments, requests?

So I would like to tell you a little bit about what I'm thinking for July, and I already told you that I am interested in exploring this theme of play and boredom and everything in between. I see more and more children with tones and tablets in their hands at restaurants when they are sitting in their strollers and the parents are walking somewhere and, and I hear from parents that that's what they do at home as well, which is really alarming.

I'm, I am. Trying not to be disrespectful to anybody, or I don't, my goal is definitely not to scare anybody, but the, the research is coming in and we are raising kids with less low social skills, less creativity, less dexterity. They are not learning their limits in terms of risk taking. Right. We, we know that, um, the generation, uh, who is now in their teens and early twenties, they are much less involved in risky behaviors than previous generations.

They're having less sex. They, which, which might some people, some adults might be happy about. At the same time, they also just are not having relationships because they don't have those skills to even start a conversation. Or if somebody approaches them to continue a conversation, to maintain a conversation.

And those are all skills that kids have to learn. And yes, it is our job as parents to give them the opportunities. So I will go into that more in July. I was thinking of offering a meetup for parents and kids maybe, um, in Nyak, in the park near the splash pad. If you're into that, let me know. Um, also an opportunity just for parents to connect one evening, or it could be, uh, more maybe late morning.

But I, I will ask, I will send all of you a Google form to get your input on what you're interested in and also, um, there will be obviously, um, one live workshop and then some questions and answers, opportunities. So stay tuned. Thank you for being here. I'm really glad you're here and you're always welcome to spread the word.

I hope I'll see you again soon. Have a good day.